Christmas Day 2024
The date was 12/25/2024. Yes, Christmas Day. As a day in Florida it was remarkably average. No bright sunshine, no extreme heat or humidity and very few RV guests in the RV Park (Sunkissed) we’re living in. Our lives have changed so dramatically over the last 12-months.
Presently I’m sleeping in my recliner and Carla, unfortunately, has taken up residence in her hospital bed in our front room, thanks to Hospice, as a result of her battle with cancer. The last 3-months have been particularly difficult for her. Her bone cancer metastasized to her liver, which controls many of the bodies motor functions. One of her doctors back then, had answered her question, as we were viewing a scan of her liver; How Long do I have? She was not looking for a sugar-coated answer, and the Doctor realized that. He said,” quite frankly you’ll see 2025 but it’s doubtful on how much longer. “How difficult is is to wake up and try to wish each other a Merry Christmas under these circumstances. After all, it’s something we’ve been doing for 35-years. But, none-the-less, we say the words. Carla, at this stage, was restricted to either laying flat on her back, or with some help, laying on her side.We had barely opened a gift or two, when, as expected, the Ozdarski family called to wish us a Merry Christmas. It was a very typical phone call that the Ozdarsky’s make on birthdays as well. Carla tried very much to keep up with the conversations, but the last 3-weeks she’d been finding it easier to stay with 2-3 word sentences, today would not be any different.
After a few minutes I could see Carla was getting tired of trying to keep up with all that was being said, so she said our good-byes. I had barely hung up the phone when Carla asked if she could take a short nap, which was not uncommon. In the meantime, I busied myself by moving the small amount of gifts to under the tree and to the sides of the room to help foot traffic. Without realizing it the time had gotten to be around 3pm, but all was well, Carla was sleeping calmly. It was just then that she began to stir a little so I went over to her to help in any way I could. To my surprise she opened her eyes and for the first time in months they were bright and shiny, I could not believe how pretty and rested she looked. Within a few seconds she called me over closer. I could tell she was going to ask for something. She began to speak and immediately said how much she loved me, and I casually replied back how much I loved her too. She continued; I can see and hear all that you are doing for me and I want to thank you for all your work. Not letting me slip in a word or two, she continued. You’ve done so much for me and I appreciate it so much. You’ve even moved in next to me, thank you. I was going to interject and word or two, but she continued.
“Right now I must close my eyes, I love you, and she closed her eyes. I was concerned. It’s been months since I’ve seen her so bright eyed. And surprisingly her voice was clear and not gargled as it had been for the past few weeks. And then I remembered her words; I must close my eyes. In all our 35-years, I have never heard her use those words; “Right now I must close my eyes”. Her talk to me was short, organized and right to the point. I began to think again about the tone of her voice, very sharp and clear. For someone who, for 3-weeks was having difficulty describing how she felt, or if she wanted water, I began thinking what exactly might have just happen here. Knowing Carla, it was as though she had a discussion with, let’s say Michael the Archangel (who delivers the dead) and she ask him for just one minute to say good bye. Sounds like she might have won. Her word structure and looks gave me the impression that she had moved out of the claws of cancer for that one minute, so she could give her final good-bye to me. What I did not expect was that she would close her eyes this Christmas Day and never re-open them again. How emotionally hard that was to know she was in her body and all the caretakers were saying she can hear all that is going on but she is trapped in her coma.
Intensely caring for Carla, most times on my own thanks to the hapless Hospice company I contracted with, I had so much time to think and pray. She was working so hard to breath, making that deathly gasping sound. At times I could help her a bit,
by repositioning her body but the last 2-days she just would not cooperate. In desperation, as in so many other times, I called the after-hours hospice line she told me I’d probably done all I could, and the end may be near. This was such a lousy dilemma to be in. If I truly wanted her to live, which I did, she would exist as a breathing body only. On the other hand I reluctantly felt this may be a good time to separate the time she has left with ore prayers, something I’ve accepted, will not be an option in my last days.
NEW YEARS DAY 01-01-2025
One New Years Day, 7-days after her closing her eye, I awoke about 6:30 to prepare her next round of medications for 7am. She was still gasping for air, I felt so unbelievably inadequate that there was nothing I could do to relieve her congestion. Within a minute or two she began stirring just a bit and breathing even harder, so I went to her to see if there might be anything I could do to help her. Then as I was holding her-then she just stopped breathing. I began praying, I have never felt so much anxiety. Holding and praying were my only options. The anxiety, guilt, and depression over what was happening was incomprehensible. I have never experienced so much anxiety and emotion in my whole life.
May 6, 2025 Anniversary of Dennis’ death
I seem to be surrounded by death feelings. first my Mothers Birthday followed the next day with my fathers’ death. Dennis’ birthday on the 3rd followed by his death 3 days later. I could go on. Something to celebrate only to be emphasized with something enduringly sad.
Forgive me for inserting pictures of Carla that have absolutely nothing to do with the texts being presented, as I have said before, it’s my blog. These last few days have been very hard. I should be speaking to a shrink, not a blog, but the blog is much cheaper. More birthdays and deaths coming up the next 3-months.
Made an appointment for Scoots for the 9th, in 3-days. Something about dialysis. I’ll find out more then, I hope. Scoots, although just a cat, has been my soulmate these last 12-months. I just cannot have anything happen to her.
May 8, 2025
I just realized the first 3-months after Carla’s death, I was in deep remorse, which was to be expected. Now I find myself in the mist of depression. 2-weeks ago I was actually a little optimistic thinking that my “CAP” scan would come back positive for lung cancer, but that would not be the case; just a clean bill of health.
I pray each day for guidance. There is no doubt in my mind that HE has a plan and my being around is probably key for His plan to come to fruition, so I sit around and wait. Tomorrow Scoots goes to the vet for a check-up. I’m a little apprehensive, only hope she’s lost a pound or two since her last visit. Yesterday I ordered a carpet to try to make this home I’m living look more like a home than a motel room. Very much like the area rugs we had in the Suncruiser Coach back in the day, except it’s a 6×10 not 2×6.Picture to the left was taken in August 2021. Amazing how much the world can change in just 4-years.
So, I will just continue to exist, day after day, in hope of a change. Got an unexpected call from Michael 2-days ago. He has a major home improvement project he’s involved in that’s getting very pricey. After the call I remembered my thinking of His plan, so I called him back. In our previous call he did not even hint at the thought of asking for financial assistance, guess that’s what I like about Abby. She has not needed much help over the last 20-years, but it does make me feel good when I can help her a bit. With my call-back I made Mike an offer for assistance, if needed. I thought it was a good deal, no pay-back just a little assistance in 12-months come tax time, but he did not think it would be needed, we’ll see! Time to go and take a Lorazepam before I fall over the cliff.
May 10, 2025 Scoots did well at the Vets.
Needless to say I held my breath taking Scoots to the vets yesterday. 
To me se did not look like she’d lost any weight, if anything, my fear was, that she had gained some weight; Awesome! Not much else to add. Outside feels and looks like possible rain, we’ll see. Time for a “you know what” and why. In an attempt to preserve our legacy I’ve begun packing once again. I’ve decided, quite realistically, that Christmases of the future will be very personal and sincere as possible. If I die, I’m positive, most, if not everything, will be designated to the trash heap by someone. In desperation I’ve designated Abby and Michael as the keepers of our existence and memories. Over the next few weeks I’ll be boxing up and moving all of our, Carla and me, memorabilia and ornaments and mementoes to the kids, Abby and Michael. All of our pictures will go with the move as well, since my family will have no interest in anything with Carla in it. It’s to bad because we had quite and life. But, they’ve neve once even checked the blog on our comings and goings. If they had blogs on their lives I’d be checking it every day, but that’s me.
Same day, just later.
As I was gathering up Christmas stuff, I came across Carla’s diary/blog of her European Tour. It began on Aug, 20, 1968 from Bradley International Airport to London, England; the beginning of their tour. You’re probably saying to yourself, you’re not helping yourself to “move on” after Carla’s death, but I don’t give a dang. It has to be one the the most exciting experiences you can have; to walk in someone else’s shoes, by reading their words, their written words, on their day to day exploits. Yea, I’m a basket case! Without a word of exaggeration, I’ll do anything and everything in my power to keep Carla alive and in my life. The last few pages I could hear her voice as she described their destination, Milan. Jokingly I could hear her laugh as she described their dismay as they arrived for the Milan tour, only to find out they misunderstood the conductor when he advised the group to reset their time pieces. She and Sharon, her friend on this trip, set their clocks “back” instead of forward and how they had to fill in this time gap for their next tour.
It’s sad, however. I’ve come across this mini-book of hers a long time ago, and for a minute felt so guilty that I had not taken the time to read it at that time, but not so. Reading this literary document is exactly what I needed at this time 110-days after her passing. I will continue reading and re-reading this manuscript until such time that I will, hopefully, be able to talk to her in person about this travel-digest. This manuscript of hers is written on 3×5 in pages with lines so close together I don’t know how she was able to write in the allotted spaces. The digest will come with me, I hope, and maybe we’ll be able to re-read it together at some time in the future, since it will be buried with us with our urns. I know, I’m fantasizing, but I can only hope you, the reader, can find a person you love so much that you’re nauseous every day you’re away from her. I could, very easily, copy this manuscript into this blog on mine, but I have no hope that anyone would ever read it; About to same amount of people that take the time to read this blog. In hindsight, I should have been happy just taking the pictures about our travels, and given the task to supplying the script to Carla. This blog would have had many more readers.