6/13th (2025)-Friday-On my way home for Mass this morning I decided to check on how full my mail-box was. As expected, most likely I’d be getting a kind note from the office reminding me that I should pick up my mail more than once a month.
It was from Cory, just a short little note on how I might be doing. I hear from so few I wander who really died, Carla or me. It’s nice how some people can say so much, in just a few words. Yesterday was not one of my better days; just to much time on my hands. There’s so much I would like to say in reply most all of it would involve Carla, a topic, I feel, the living are not keen on dwelling on.
Of course I will be writing back. I think this is why I have resuscitated the Website back to like again. Down deep I realize virtually no one will ever go to the site, but once I pass, a few might decide to take a peak inside and try to understand what was going on in my mind these months after Carla’s passing.
Another purpose for this site, and I haven’t determined how to introduce it yet, might be explaining the “alone time” and how an individual might fill in that time for his or her spouse, just a thought! Alone time are those hours you end up spending on your own with your love-one, because the ridiculously expensive disability insurance you purchased does not cover all the hours of each day.in. I regret so much, and I ask Him and Carla to forgive me for not taking the initiative to do for her while she was alive. It’s one of those “should-of/ would-of” scenarios.
3pm, same day.
Carla, some ideas to think about; let me know. About this time each day I try to think of ways to re-invent my life, not that I could possibly recreate the Joy that’s gone, more like survival. The Hospice option, I’m looking forward to but must wait until July 7th for FBI Clearance. Actually thought about looking for a job, but decided to put that aside, after all, who’s going to hire an 81-year old to do anything except be a greeter. I’ll revisit that option in 5-10 years, possibly.
In the Grief Group, I attended there were those that have not moved on since day-one. In all honesty I might fall into that group. There was a smaller group that complained each week about family living nearby and how there checking up on them regularly. These might be the only survivors. It’s Family. Even if they are pains in the butt family members there to care about you is reassuring, even if only part time. In this park, as nice as it is, it is empty now. I could conceivably be dead for 3-4 days before anyone might notice my absence. Nearest family I have, as I stated on the Hospice app., is 1600-miles from here, they (my family) would certainly notice within a month or two. It’s the reason Scoots has an emergency platter in case she can’t wake me up some morning, she’ll be good for a week or so.
As difficult as it might be, I’m going to try, once again, to sell this home and think about Titusville again. Abby is willing to put me up in a spare bedroom they have until I can find something down there; must give myself some more additional time before I put this move into action. The idea of a boat is still in the back of my head but I’ll have to have a better control of my expenses before I go that route.
On the other hand I also entertain the possibility that He has a plan. For some foolish reason He might feel that my presence would be needed for His plan to come together correctly. If this be so I pray it not be in the to far distant future. For months I prayed to St. Jude for “longevity.” I order for me to keep my promises to Carla concerning her final days, I would definitely have to be around, otherwise the powers that be would make decisions not in keeping with her wishes. Those three wishes all came through as Carla was hoping for. There was another promise but that one is still in the works. My prayer to St. Jude now-a-days is that he not take the word “longevity” to seriously. Sticking around to possibly help Him in His plan is workable and I don’t want to be blamed for messing up the future but I do hope the He and St. Jude sit down and talk about the logistics of His plan. 3-pm Rosary time. Will be back
me