25.07.20

Hi Sweetheart,

I know, you’ve  gone through much worse than me, but living with your loss does not get any easier.

Just got back from shopping and I only needed lemonade. But the grapes caught my attention so I picked up a bag of really good grapes, but then, I spotted those watermelon squares I used to buy for you. It would have been cheaper to buy the whole watermelon but this reminded me of you so much, just another little habit that meant so much for me because I knew it would make  you happy as well.

That was such an emotional episode I almost decided to just leave the cart and go home.

I prayed so hard that fateful day you passed away in hopes of gaining for you a ticket straight to Paradise, but the more I listen to sermons and read about getting into Paradise, the more disillusioned I get, hence the intense barrage of masses and prayers for you. And then I wonder where are all those Masses from the dozens and dozens of churches we visited and attended in our travels. In the writings of the saints and Popes, I’ve read that prayers and masses said during your lifetime, have a thousand times more value than those after you’ve passed.

This, if you haven’t summoned already is the reason I always end our conversations with pray for me.”

I keep asking for a sign, but that’s a difficult request. If the sign is given, and I missed it then I would supposed you’d not made it to Paradise yet, it’s a quandary.

A couple of months ago I was watering the front yard. Nothing meant by what I said, since I use the words all the time. but I mentioned that it looked like “her dog was taking her for a walk.” She did stop, which I was surprised and mentioned that was all she had to do since her husband had passed away a short while ago (I forgot how long ago.) I retorted that’s why I was just watering grass that doesn’t belong to me. She then asked me, if I recall correctly. ” How you doing”. I gave the run of the mill answer I always give, “getting there one day at a time.” To be polite I asked her back how she was doing and she answered. “praying for salvation.” I wasn’t expecting that for an answer and she added that she had to get going and that she was a year-round resident and renting in the NW corner of the campground. The campground was full at that time and I had no expectation  of trying to locate her, and have not seen her since.

What struct me from that short conversation were the last few words. her words sounded scripted much like yours were on Christmas Day. I was so pleased after you awoke from your nap after talking for so long with family that Christmas morning, that you looked so wide awake. Your eyes were never so bright and focused, but, then again, the words you articulated were short, organized and left no room for me to interject at that particular moment, very much like the dog walker and her “praying for salvation.”

I have to wonder if I’m not receiving messages and all I have to do is to open my ears and eyes and listen to what is being imparted to me.

All this rhetoric over a small package of watermelon squares.

Once again, I hope you have access to the internet but I am realistic to accept the fact that I am writing to myself. But it makes feel good  to share stories the way we used to a few months back

I love you so much,

Please let me keep writing.

Any signs you can share, share them.

I love you,

Me

PS;

I must be beginning to think single, which is not what I’m looking for, but I’ve begun eating strawberry Ice Cream out of the jug. ( I’ll have to watch out for that,)