Carla and I usually celebrate birthdays and Anniversaries with a good dinner either at Road House or Millers. I’ve been in a real funk the last week and decided to try to break this spell so I took myself out for take-out at Road House. The thing is that by the time you pick it up take it home, get it one the table a sit down to eat, it tastes about as good as I could cook up without the hassle. I was hoping Carla would understand, I think she would, but can’t be bothered doing this again. There’s only one conclusion, this is what it is and will be.

06.05.2025 Thursday, day before my birthday

I continue to greet each new day thankfully. My battle with my lack of weight is a losing battle. It might just be my attitude or I might just be giving up.

As I have mentioned in the past family deaths seem to hover in the neighborhoods of other occasions, like birthdays, holidays and even holydays. My mom died July 3rd whereas my father died on March 23; the day after my mothers birthday. Dennis, as we’ve seen died a couple of days after his own birthday. Carla passed away consciously on Christmas but physically left the earth on New Years day. There were a couple of other death dates, but I’ve gone far enough. You can see where I might me getting a little excited with my birthday approaching. In the recent couple of months I’ve been given a clean bill of health, so I expect my birthday will be uneventful. Tomorrow I have a appointment with hospice. No, Not what you think. I’m applying as a volunteer. It’s been over 10-years since I’ve been on the clock, but I’m going to try it part time to begin with and see what happens. I’ve mentioned this before, but I don’t mind restating; Carla and I were a perfect for each of us. I will admit I did get the best part of the deal. I never expected to be married again and be so happy, and that was mostly thanks to Carla.

What I don’t look forward to is hospital Hospice. If something should beset me I’ll call Camille to come an get Scoots and leave this home in one piece. It’s to much of a hassle to modify this apartment to a Hospital Room once again. But all this is speculation, but something to look forward to. Many birthdays, anniversaries, etc. coming up, so there is hope. Will write again on my birthday and on Hospice.

NEW YEARS DAY 01-01-2025

One New Years Day, 7-days after her closing her eye, I awoke about 6:30 to prepare her next round of medications for 7am. She was still gasping for air, I felt so unbelievably inadequate that there was nothing I could do to relieve her congestion. Within a minute or two she began stirring just a bit and breathing even harder, so I went to her to see if there might be anything I could do to help her. Then as I was holding her-then she just stopped breathing. I began praying, I have never felt so much anxiety. Holding and praying were my only options. The anxiety, guilt, and depression over what was happening was incomprehensible. I have never experienced so much anxiety and emotion in my whole life.

NEW YEARS DAY 01-01-2025

One New Years Day, 7-days after her closing her eye, I awoke about 6:30 to prepare her next round of medications for 7am. She was still gasping for air, I felt so unbelievably inadequate that there was nothing I could do to relieve her congestion. Within a minute or two she began stirring just a bit and breathing even harder, so I went to her to see if there might be anything I could do to help her. Then as I was holding her-then she just stopped breathing. I began praying, I have never felt so much anxiety. Holding and praying were my only options. The anxiety, guilt, and depression over what was happening was incomprehensible. I have never experienced so much anxiety and emotion in my whole life.

NEW YEARS DAY 01-01-2025

One New Years Day, 7-days after her closing her eye, I awoke about 6:30 to prepare her next round of medications for 7am. She was still gasping for air, I felt so unbelievably inadequate that there was nothing I could do to relieve her congestion. Within a minute or two she began stirring just a bit and breathing even harder, so I went to her to see if there might be anything I could do to help her. Then as I was holding her-then she just stopped breathing. I began praying, I have never felt so much anxiety. Holding and praying were my only options. The anxiety, guilt, and depression over what was happening was incomprehensible. I have never experienced so much anxiety and emotion in my whole life.

June 1, 2025 (Fifth Monthiversary)