Christmas Day 2024
The date was 12/25/2024. Yes, Christmas Day. As a day in Florida it was remarkably average. No bright sunshine, no extreme heat or humidity and very few RV guests in the RV Park (Sunkissed) we’re living in. Our lives have changed so dramatically over the last 12-months.
Presently I’m sleeping in my recliner and Carla, unfortunately, has taken up residence in her hospital bed in our front room, thanks to Hospice, as a result of her battle with cancer. The last 3-months have been particularly difficult for her. Her bone cancer metastasized to her liver, which controls many of the bodies motor functions. One of her doctors back then, had answered her question, as we were viewing a scan of her liver; How Long do I have? She was not looking for a sugar-coated answer, and the Doctor realized that. He said,” quite frankly you’ll see 2025 but it’s doubtful on how much longer. “How difficult is is to wake up and try to wish each other a Merry Christmas under these circumstances. After all, it’s something we’ve been doing for 35-years. But, none-the-less, we say the words. Carla, at this stage, was restricted to either laying flat on her back, or with some help, laying on her side.We had barely opened a gift or two, when, as expected, the Ozdarski family called to wish us a Merry Christmas. It was a very typical phone call that the Ozdarsky’s make on birthdays as well. Carla tried very much to keep up with the conversations, but the last 3-weeks she’d been finding it easier to stay with 2-3 word sentences, today would not be any different.
After a few minutes I could see Carla was getting tired of trying to keep up with all that was being said, so she said our good-byes. I had barely hung up the phone when Carla asked if she could take a short nap, which was not uncommon. In the meantime, I busied myself by moving the small amount of gifts to under the tree and to the sides of the room to help foot traffic. Without realizing it the time had gotten to be around 3pm, but all was well, Carla was sleeping calmly. It was just then that she began to stir a little so I went over to her to help in any way I could. To my surprise she opened her eyes and for the first time in months they were bright and shiny, I could not believe how pretty and rested she looked. Within a few seconds she called me over closer. I could tell she was going to ask for something. She began to speak and immediately said how much she loved me, and I casually replied back how much I loved her too. She continued; I can see and hear all that you are doing for me and I want to thank you for all your work. Not letting me slip in a word or two, she continued. You’ve done so much for me and I appreciate it so much. You’ve even moved in next to me, thank you. I was going to interject and word or two, but she continued.
“Right now I must close my eyes, I love you, and she closed her eyes. I was concerned. It’s been months since I’ve seen her so bright eyed. And surprisingly her voice was clear and not gargled as it had been for the past few weeks. And then I remembered her words; I must close my eyes. In all our 35-years, I have never heard her use those words; “Right now I must close my eyes”. Her talk to me was short, organized and right to the point. I began to think again about the tone of her voice, very sharp and clear. For someone who, for 3-weeks was having difficulty describing how she felt, or if she wanted water, I began thinking what exactly might have just happen here. Knowing Carla, it was as though she had a discussion with, let’s say Michael the Archangel (who delivers the dead) and she ask him for just one minute to say good bye. Sounds like she might have won. Her word structure and looks gave me the impression that she had moved out of the claws of cancer for that one minute, so she could give her final good-bye to me. What I did not expect was that she would close her eyes this Christmas Day and never re-open them again. How emotionally hard that was to know she was in her body and all the caretakers were saying she can hear all that is going on but she is trapped in her coma.
Continuously caring for Carla, most times on my, own thanks to the hapless Hospice company I contracted with, I had so much time to think and pray. She was working so hard to breath, making that deathly gasping sound. At times I could help her a bit,
by repositioning her body but the last 2-days she just would not cooperate. In desperation, as in so many other times, I called the after-hours hospice line she told me I’d probably done all I could, and the end may be near. This was such a lousy dilemma to be in. If I truly wanted her to live, which I did, she would exist as a breathing body only. On the other hand I reluctantly felt this may be a good time to separate the time she has left with ore prayers, something I’ve accepted, will not be an option in my last days.
NEW YEARS DAY 01-01-2025
One New Years Day, 7-days after her closing her eye, I awoke about 6:30 to prepare her next round of medications for 7am. She was still gasping for air, I felt so unbelievably inadequate that there was nothing I could do to relieve her congestion. Within a minute or two she began stirring just a bit and breathing even harder, so I went to her to see if there might be anything I could do to help her. Then as I was holding her-then she just stopped breathing. I began praying, I have never felt so much anxiety. Holding and praying were my only options. The anxiety, guilt, and depression over what was happening was incomprehensible. I have never experienced so much anxiety and emotion in my whole life.
May 6, 2025 Anniversary of Dennis’ death
I seem to be surrounded by death feelings. first my Mothers Birthday followed the next day with my fathers’ death. Dennis’ birthday on the 3rd followed by his death 3 days later. I could go on. Something to celebrate only to be emphasized with something enduringly sad.do with the texts being presented, as I have said before, it’s my blog. These last few days have been very hard. I should be speaking to a shrink, not a blog, but the blog is much cheaper. More birthdays and deaths coming up the next 3-months.
Made an appointment for Scoots for the 9th, in 3-days. Something about dialysis. I’ll find out more then, I hope. Scoots, although just a cat, has been my soulmate these last 12-months. I just cannot have anything happen to her.
May 8, 2025
I just realized the first 3-months after Carla’s death, I was in deep remorse, which was to be expected. Now I find myself in the mist of depression. 2-weeks ago I was actually a little optimistic thinking that my “CAP” scan would come back positive for lung cancer, but that would not be the case; just a clean bill of health.
I pray each day for guidance. There is no doubt in my mind that HE has a plan and my being around is probably key for His plan to come to fruition, so I sit around and wait. Tomorrow Scoots goes to the vet for a check-up. I’m a little apprehensive, only hope she’s lost a pound or two since her last visit. Yesterday I ordered a carpet to try to make this home I’m living look more like a home than a motel room. Very much like the area rugs we had in the Suncruiser Coach back in the day, except it’s a 6×10 not 2×6.Picture to the left was taken in August 2021. Amazing how much the world can change in just 4-years.
So, I will just continue to exist, day after day, in hope of a change. Got an unexpected call from Michael 2-days ago. He has a major home improvement project he’s involved in that’s getting very pricey. After the call I remembered my thinking of His plan, so I called him back. In our previous call he did not even hint at the thought of asking for financial assistance, guess that’s what I like about Abby. She has not needed much help over the last 20-years, but it does make me feel good when I can help her a bit. With my call-back I made Mike an offer for assistance, if needed. I thought it was a good deal, no pay-back just a little assistance in 12-months come tax time, but he did not think it would be needed, we’ll see! Time to go and take a Lorazepam before I fall over the cliff.
May 10, 2025 Scoots did well at the Vets.
Needless to say I held my breath taking Scoots to the vets yesterday. 
To me se did not look like she’d lost any weight, if anything, my fear was, that she had gained some weight; Awesome! Not much else to add. Outside feels and looks like possible rain, we’ll see. Time for a “you know what” and why. In an attempt to preserve our legacy I’ve begun packing once again. I’ve decided, quite realistically, that Christmases of the future will be very personal and sincere as possible. 
If I die, I’m positive, most, if not everything, will be designated to the trash heap by someone. In desperation I’ve designated Abby and Michael as the keepers of our existence and memories. Over the next few weeks I’ll be boxing up and moving all of our, Carla and me, memorabilia and ornaments and mementoes to the kids, Abby and Michael. All of our pictures will go with the move as well, since my family will have no interest in anything with Carla in it. It’s to bad because we had quite and life. But, they’ve neve once even checked the blog on our comings and goings. If they had blogs on their lives I’d be checking it every day, but that’s me. Abby and Michael Will w baby Mckenna
Same day, just later.
As I was gathering up Christmas stuff, I came across Carla’s diary/blog of her European Tour with her girlfriend Sharon. It began on Aug, 20, 1968 from Bradley International Airport to London, England; the beginning of their tour. You’re probably saying to yourself, you’re not helping yourself to “move on” after Carla’s death, but I don’t give a dang. It has to be one the the most exciting experiences you can have; to walk in someone else’s shoes, by reading their words, their written words, on their day to day exploits. Yea, I’m a basket case! Without a word of exaggeration, I’ll do anything and everything in my power to keep Carla alive and in my life. The last few pages I could hear her voice as she described their destination, Milan. Jokingly I could hear her laugh as she described their dismay as they arrived for the Milan tour, only to find out they misunderstood the conductor when he advised the group to reset their time pieces. She and Sharon, her friend on this trip, set their clocks “back” instead of forward and how they had to fill in this time gap for their next tour.
It’s sad, however. I’ve come across this mini-book of hers a long time ago, and for a minute felt so guilty that I had not taken the time to read it at that time, but not so. Reading this literary document is exactly what I needed at this time 110-days after her passing. I will continue reading and re-reading this manuscript until such time that I will, hopefully, be able to talk to her in person about this travel-digest. This manuscript of hers is written on 3×5 in pages with lines so close together I don’t know how she was able to write in the allotted spaces. The digest will come with me, I hope, and maybe we’ll be able to re-read it together at some time in the future, since it will be buried with us with our urns. I know, I’m fantasizing, but I can only hope you, the reader, can find a person you love so much that you’re nauseous every day you’re away from him or her. I could, very easily, copy this manuscript into this blog on mine, but I have no hope that anyone would ever read it; About to same amount of people that take the time to read this blog. In hindsight, I should have been happy just taking the pictures about our travels, and given the task to supplying the script to Carla. This blog would have had many more readers.
Forgive me for inserting pictures of Carla that have absolutely nothing to do with the texts being presented, as I have said before, it’s my blog. These last few days have been very hard. I should be speaking to a shrink, not a blog, but the blog is much cheaper. More birthdays and deaths coming up the next 3-months.
Made an appointment for Scoots for the 9th, in 3-days. Something about dialysis. I’ll find out more then, I hope. Scoots, although just a cat, has been my soulmate these last 12-months. I just cannot have anything happen to her.
Same day still, 7pm
Went to Mass today, actually twice today, it gives me a reprieve on Sunday, if I could only get Scoots to cooperate and sleep-in. It was the Mother’s Day Vigil Mass. To my surprise was someone I recognized, and actually knew her name. Only problem was that every time she turned my way she never even nodded her head, strange! Mass was over and I felt I should at least give her a call as to why she was being evasive. Before I go any further let me digress. I, maybe know, possibly 4-people in the parish, and not all by name, she might be number five, just an acquaintance and good friend. I’m married for life and am very happy to remain that way.
Long story short, it wasn’t her. I’ve herd so many say, through the years, someone they know looks exactly like a person they in their past. This person was just that, a body double. Haven’t heard of anyone finding a double for me, if yes, I would send them a sympathy card.
To finish off the day, when I got home the cloths were dry, fed Scooty and enjoyed a delicious pasta, shrimp and Alfredo dinner.
Understandably, my latest endeavor is to pack up Christmas. The last 40-years of my life were basically spent alone, with Carla and with Carla and Abby. My biggest fear and concern is that Carla and Il, once I pass away, will be forgotten and lost to history. The truth is that neither one of us had attained any type of high status in our lives, so, I’m taking on the roll of passing on pictures, artifacts, mementoes and even texts and stories of our existence. At best, I realize, this will only work for about 10 years, but I can hope that the rolls we played during our lifetimes might be remembered for at least another generation and possibly tell stories about a couple known as Mr. and Mrs. G.
May 12, 2025 Monday
Woke up this morning to moderately heavy rain, but by noon we were back to blue skies and puffy clouds. Scoots has been self-secluded in our bed all day. She looks okay, just having a lazy day, I guess! As of late I’ve begun re-editing our 2016-2017 blog, not that anyone will ever read it, just something intelligent to do to pass the time away. It’s difficult being in the future to write, knowing that in a few years my mom, Dennis, Carla’s brother and Carla will all pass away. I’ve been editing a couple of the blogs to make mention of what the future was going to hold for members of our family.
We all know death is inevitable but seldom do we think to long about it, or that it will happen to a friend or neighbor, most likely. I made 3-promises to Carla months before she passed; she would not experience serious pain, no Hospice hospital and that I would not leave her side. The silent promise I made but kept to myself was that she would spend only a minimal amount of time in purgatory, if any. That one has turned put to be what occupies a good amount of my time each day since her passing. We’ve all been taught, either in school or Sunday school, that the person to emulate is our Lord. But, dang, he’s a hard act to follow. We all try, however.
Carla working on Covid masks for the campground
I’m a believer in that train of thought as well, but after having spent 35-years with Carla, I find trying to emulate her, in her everyday life is a good precursor to emulate, to begin with, and then move on to the One Who’s perfect in all He did. We have both tried to take advantage of every plenary indulgence possible, and I do believe we probably scored at least a couple of times, so that’s kind of reassuring, but there’s no way to know for sure how much “bad baggage” you have to settle up for on the other side.
I keep asking for a sign from above that Carla has made it to Paradise, but, to the best of my knowledge, no sign has come forth. This tells me she probably hasn’t made it yet, but the communication lines between here and there are barely recognizable. I’ve inundate the heavens above with prayers, masses and other initiatives, but am not losing hope. I do accept that I will never know until my time comes around.
Going to call it quits for today and read Carla’s journal about her in Milan.
May 16, 2025 Friday
Decided a few days ago that I had enough things to be depressed about without being being depressed about my home, so I made a couple of purchases. First item that needed fixing was my floor. Not that it looked bad, it’s just that it needed color. 
Last year we did have a rug, recliners and a small couch, but changes would be needed. I should have just rented a storage unit, but my thinking wasn’t that sharp at the time. Changes were needed and right a way so the vets go a financial shot in the arm. Things go away fast when your giving them away. So we got a fix for the floor and a small sofa to replace what was gone. The original picture was much sharper however I had to lower the # of pixels to satisfy Blue Host, but you get the idea of the changes. You’re right, it is a modest home but one that meets my needs very adequately at this stage of my life.
May 17, 2025 Visiting Abby, Michael and Mckenna
I was supposed to make this visit on Friday, yesterday, but somehow the day got away from me. Saturday turned out to be an excellent day to travel, with the highways being not that busy. Abby and Michael were as gracious as ever and made me feel right at home. My purpose was 2-fold; to visit and deliver items, mostly Christmas that were personal to Abby. Mckenna showed her delight with having a new playmate toward the end of the visit. She’s going to be a duplicate of Abby, her mother, and with her height and that of her dads; she’ll be a beautiful grown-up. I would like to say that I hope to have the privilege to see the grown-up version, but I have little to no interest in longevity any more. This statement is difficult to make after my having such a delightful visit with all of them yesterday.
I’m having a thin-ice day
It’s been nearly 150-days since her passing, you would think I would have it mostly all-together by this time. How do you describe to anyone exactly how crappy you feel inside. I have, unconsciously, been apologizing for actions I should have done for Carla when she was with me, and even for those times I’d neglecting her, however seldom, but yet, I beg for a redo but realize it’s all in the past, which does not make it feel any better. This is a good day for me to just stay in my room where I know I’d be safe from myself.
Not one of my best days, 5.25.25
Taken 12-19-19
I have complained to the powers that be that I’ve gone from sorrow to depression. Depression, not so severe anyone should be concerned about, just a really lousy mood. It’s for sure it does have to do with the date. This day is known as a monthiversary. The same as an anniversary just 1/12th. as big. It was today, 5-months ago (12/25/24) that I spoke to Carla for the very last time. Actually I really did not really get a chance to say very much. I got the impression that she was given a specific amount of time and then was told to close with
“I MUST CLOSE MY EYES NOW” as her last words. I was certain with the clarity she had in her voice we’d have a chance to speak on several more occasions, not to be the case. I’ve tried to recall the exact time we spoke but the best I could do was to narrow in down to sometime between 1-3pm. My next dreadful monthiversary will fall on 6.1.25, hopefully, emotionally, I’ll be in a better mood.
very simple tasks to face each day; mainly Doctors. We did visit Carla’s cousin Connie a couple of years ago and she mentioned she’d taken up a new hobby; diamond painting. I know, the name sounds like a very expensive hobby, but no. It basically consists of a mat with very little color in it but lot and lots of paint by number. In place of paints and filling in large areas on a mat, you make use of colored dots. Each dot number on the unfinished mat corresponds to a colored dot or bead, a better way of describing them. It’s not difficult but it is painstakingly tedious. each square inch of mat you see in the picture consists of 64 or more beads of different colors. To see how intense this hobby is, take your thumb and index finger and place them in the center of the picture and expand the picture size. Something else, hun! Carla is working on her second project except instead of the beads being square they’re round. I know, you’re saying “so what!” Square beads must be placed perfectly square in each receptive bead spot or it might not look as nice as it should. The round beads, fitting in round holes go in imperfectly with very little difficulty, cutting down the amount of time this project should take. If you have an interest in this, possibly, give Carla a call to learn more.
As you can see, just as in the Journey, all our rooms are tightly nestled together. The bottom left-hand corner of the picture is the edge of our living room with new TV and to the right is our dining room, or as in the RV our universal table. Needless to say, many of these cabinets extend too high for us to reach without a step stool. 
There’s not much else left to talk about except for the bedroom. In the picture below you can see we have a ten-foot twin-closet area with storage draws in the center as well as below the mirrored closets. In the Journey we had a King-size bed, which, quite frankly, was overkill for what we needed, although Carla really liked the size very much. 
This experience and the added bonus of having President Dan and Miss Aimee give us sharing their valuable time with Carla and I this day will be an event I’ll remember for years to come. This was definitely a very rare opportunity to view the many changes that have taken place since I graduated in “62. 
Mom and Dad, Abby and Michael, deliver a beautiful baby girl into the world.
Awesome! Doesn’t this look like a brand new coach? Well, almost brand new.
After resolving the tire problem we heard from Sam the Painter. Sam will be repainting the full cap over the front windshield. His problem is that he’s stuck in Georgia doing a big RV repaint job and it is raining every day. Sam is on hold until his schedule eases up. It should get done by May.
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After Mass we went out for lunch at a Mexican restaurant. I was a little leery about the menu but my meal was excellent. When we got back to Mary Ann’s she told us of her new toy; an electric trike. We both fell in love with it.
She loves it and so did we. Both Carla and I had the opportunity to test it out. Reluctantly after a good ride I did bring it back to her. This is not a toy, it can reach speeds of up to fifteen miles per hour. On top of that, in Port Orange, she can use it both on the roads and on the sidewalk. I would not take it on I-95 however.
10.18.18- I write this blog on Maggie Valley with mixed feelings. Those who know me know that I have always had a very strong affection for Littleton, NH. Long story short, it will always be tops on my list. Next would, most likely be the New London, CT area. Not that we had lived in NL, but not that far away. Carla and I spent many weekends at Crocker’s Boatyard on our boat. Thirdly I had placed Maggie Valley in that spot. It too has many memories, especially of our weekends spent in our cabin up there. We’ve been back tor or three times over the last five years,
but this time I’ve been having mixed feelings on this beautiful piece of America. As you can see from the pictures the valley is surrounded by the Great Smoky Mountains.
Always liked this shot of Co
bbler’s Cabin.
Back to my mixed feelings. As you’ll see in some of the pictures to follow, Maggie Valley does not have an actual downtown, never realized that before. Waynesville, on the other hand has a very definitive downtown, but like MV is inundated with strip shopping centers. Not sure if I could keep myself busy if we were full-time residents of MV; especially in the winter months. Almost think I would have to be involved in a local business to make the time go by. Definitely not working for someone else, I don’t do well with that. Many log cabins like you see above dot the mountain sides. Best to see them in the evening with the glow of their lights and the sight of smoke coming from so many fireplaces.
Ingle’s above is to MV and NC as Publix is to Florida and Stop and Shop is to Mass. The store, inside, is so beautiful, almost makes it a destination.
We still have difficulty in passing up an ice cream shop. We’ve been in here before but never realized they serve “Blue Bell” ice cream and it was so good. Not only that, a steal at two sugar cones for $3.49.
Yesterday we ventured away from the coach, got our ice cream then decided to try to find a cabin we almost bought before Cobbler’s. It was a very narrow road which was, as with most mountain roadways, very steep. I was just telling Carla, hope no one is coming down the mountain. Within ten seconds pops up a van. We slid over to the side as far as we could and he likewise was way over on the right side. We passed by each other with inches to spare. This is not atypical. A four-wheel drive vehicle, for us, would have been more beneficial. As you might have suspected we sadly could not locate that log home. On our way back down the mountain we came across a Llama farm; never thought I’d see that in MV. At the bottom of the mountain was a Christmas Tree Farm. Thousands of trees. Christmas trees are a big business in MV and NC in general. 
and very original. Please take a couple of minutes and click on the link below the picture she created for us , and check out her portfolio of artwork. I call this beautiful painting “Creation,” I don’t know if she might have her own name for it. I realize it is a little difficult to appreciate it’s full beauty but if it had been a typical 16 by 20 you would be looking at a “sea scene” blanketed with ominous stormy clouds typical of what earth might have looked like after HE had finished creating the worlds oceans. I would only hope that she might re-create this production as a full picture as opposed to the letter “G” portrait.